Discussion Facilitator: Bruce Cantwell. November, 23, 2019.
Some tips on how to stop and how to handle political conversations from Better Angels.
SKILLS FOR THANKSGIVING CONVERSATIONS
First, How to Stop a Thanksgiving Dinner Debacle
Group conversations are like water: they run downhill—at the speed of the most argumentative or agitated family member. If you feel like it might go badly at the table, here are ways to head them off.
1. Propose a no-politics ground-rule up front.
▪ “I’d like to propose that we not talk politics during our Thanksgiving dinner. Is that okay with everyone?”
2. Intervene right away when someone starts a political conversation that you know will go badly.
▪ “I suggest we not talk politics during our Thanksgiving meal.”
▪ “Can we leave politics for later and just enjoy the meal?”
▪ Speak in a calm, non-blaming tone. You are doing this for the common good, not to come down on any individuals.
3. Interrupt and redirect if things are already going badly
▪ “Let’s finish this conversation later. Can we back up and just enjoy our dinner right now, without talking more about politics? ....How is Uncle Bob doing after his surgery?”
▪ “Who else agrees with me that we should change the subject and stop arguing about politics during our Thanksgiving dinner? [If you get a lot of nods and agreement] “So let’s talk about something boring like the weather or sports!”
▪ Speak firmly and without making it personal about the people who are arguing.
Note: This only works if you have resisted the temptation to talk politics yourself at the table. Otherwise, you’ll be seen as cutting off the other side.
If you have been involved in the political argument, express regret that you got into it at Thanksgiving dinner and ask if others are willing to finish it later and just enjoy the meal.
One of the other “combatants” may need to make a face-saving statement (“I wasn’t arguing, just expressing my point of view!”)—which you should not respond to but rather repeat your hope to end the political discussion for now.
Second, Have One-to-One Political Conversations with Relatives
If you want to discuss politics with family members, do it in one-to-one conversations, preferably outside of hearing range of others who might jump in and drag you down.
Better Angels Skills Workshop Cheat Sheet
Goals: Learn about perspectives, feelings, and experiences of someone you care about who differs from you politically. Convey your own perspective, feelings, and experiences. Discover some common ground, if it's there.
Tone-Setting: Let the other person know you'd like to understand their perspectives better. Ask permission to ask questions. Acknowledge your political stance (progressive Democrat/conservative Republican). Offer something critical of your own side and something positive about the other side.
Listening Skills: When your conversation partner expresses a viewpoint, focus on what they're saying with the goal of being able to paraphrase it when it's your turn to speak.
Listen for underlying values:
Conservative: individual freedom and responsibility; limited federal government and fiscal constraint; value of local government and charity; patriotism; free market capitalism as engine of human progress; religion; family; respect for tradition and authority; wary of social engineering.
Progressive: concern for those on the margins; diversity; equal opportunity; concern about historical patterns of inequality and discrimination; federal government creating conditions for equal opportunity; concern about abuses of free-market capitalism; patriotism balanced with criticism of country and idea that all nations have worth.
Speaking Skills:
When your conversation partner reaches a natural pause, paraphrase what they said. (This challenges you to listen and gives them the opportunity to acknowledge that they spoke and you heard correctly.)
“So, you're saying you don't trust the federal government to get health care right.”
“You're not a fan of Trump's tweets, but you feel he's shaking things up in Washington.”
Once you've agreed upon what their view is, acknowledge any underlying values and ask how they came to form that view.
“It sounds like you firmly believe in limited government. Can you tell me more about what shaped your outlook?”
If they ask about your viewpoint, offer something critical about your side and credit the other side first.
“Well, I'll admit that Obamacare wasn't a perfect solution and that Trump's efforts to lower prescription drug prices are a step in the right direction.”
Acknowledge areas of agreement.
“Well, at least neither of us is a fan of Trump's tweets.”
Before expressing disagreement, say some version of "I hear you." Pause. Then state your opinion.
“I hear what you're saying about not trusting the federal government.” (Pause.) “I'm afraid that as more people lose their insurance, the higher premiums will go for those who still have it.”
Use "I" statements to distinguish opinion from fact. (The way I see it… It seems to me that… I think… I feel… I'm concerned… I'm afraid…)
“I'm concerned that the tone of Trump's tweets are setting a bad example, both for government officials, and for civil public discourse.”
When possible, share a personal experience that supports your view.
My son wrote a paper on cyber-bullying and using Trump's twitter feed for several examples.
Recovery Mode
If you're still gripped by hatred, ill will or murderous rage after the conversation, try this.
Murderous Rage Practice by Dr. Susan Pollak
Sit comfortably, take a deep breath, and just let yourself ground, coming into the present moment.
And just, if you like, anchor with your breath, or the sensations of your body.
And just notice what you're feeling. Just bringing some mindfulness.
And then tune-in. Ask yourself where in your body you're feeling this murderous rage. It might be in your belly, it might be in your jaw, it might be in your chest.
Just notice where you're feeling it. If you like, just put a hand there. And then just say to yourself, "Ah, this is what murderous rage feels like. Okay, let me pay attention to this.”
And just let it rise and let it fall. Just notice it rise, notice it fall. And then if you like, just come back to sensations in your body. Luckily, the body doesn't ruminate. The body is always in the present moment.
And then notice how you're feeling.
Mantra: If it's not happening now, it's not happening.